A good tactic is to have a lessor character acknowledge the main character's emotions. It avoids making the main character too self aware, and it surprises both the reader and the main character.
My favorite example comes from Thom Jones's 'The Pugilist at Rest': A teenage boy awakes to his bullying stepfather. The son finally pummels the bully, then runs off to school. At the school he meets his girlfriend who looks at him aghast and asks, "Rory, why are you wearing pajama bottoms!? Why are you covered in blood?! Why are you CRYING??"
I've fudged the quote because I don't have the book at hand. But the trick is to have a detached character recognize the emotions that the main character is still blind -- traumatized -- to. It's a neat trick that takes the reader's breath away.
The story is clear and linear, and at no time did I feel confused. You kept the actions going and kept the mood consistent: Just another day in chaos. The "Love" text on the end was a nice button.
That said, I wanted a hint at the character's emotions, and wonder if that might come via the recorded book. Whatever he's listening to, it can show us something secret about how he copes. For instance, if he's listening to Charles Dickens he might be sentimental and escapist. But if he's listening to a dystopian novel even MORE dystopian than his own world... that could land as funny.
It's comforting to witness suffering greater than your own. So if he's listening to Kafka or some other dire story, it puts his ordeal into perspective.
This is just two options. But instead of some banal police procedural, what other book would show us the narrator's emotional, inner life??? Who knows? The audio book might develop to become the larger overall book, while and narrator fades into the background.
Keep in mind, this is a clever trick: Reading a book within a book. The masterstroke of the TV show The Waltons was how that family was shown listening raptly to their radio, just as other families were watching raptly around their televisions watching the Walton family.
Thanks again for reading and giving feedback on the story!
I like the idea of switching up the audiobook as a fun way to get a look inside his head to see how he was really coping with the reality of the world behind his “this is fine” front. We don’t really get that side of him, only a small glimpse of him imagining himself on the motorcycle with his wife. The police procedural hits the same beat of how he has banalized the apocalypse, it would be fun to explore that more.
Hi Chris! I really, really enjoyed the time urgency of your story--the MC's Type A need to have control is spot on. The pace of it, the mundanity, peppered in with the bizarre happenings (like the Halloween mask) pulled the read along nicely. What might happen if your MC lost this incredibly important part of his life--control of his routine? Would it derail him in some catastrophic way? Would he go batshit? I wonder if you might hint at the stakes of this even more, as he is constantly re-routed, and the tension builds. I love the audiobook aspect, and wanted to hear some lines of the audio-narrator interspersed along the ride. That kind of recorded dialogue might be a nice contrast to what's going on around him, as well as serve to ease into the real dialogue between Matt and Bob (the casual tone between the two was brilliant). I really liked the descriptive, "the cracked vinyl faces of three teens," and the fact that he works at a chips factory. Subtle, and super effective. Great read, thanks for sharing! :)
This is the only place I stumbled in the moment-by-moment:
"At the stoplight, the heat from the tan Audi burning on the side of the road radiates through his windshield. A blackened silhouette slumps in the Audi’s driver’s seat, unmoving. Matt rolls up the windows and sets the air ..."
Because you used the definite article -- the tan Audi -- I assumed we'd already glimpsed this from a distance. If we could have a more gradual reveal evolving from a plume of smoke, to a car, to an Audi, to the horror within. By that point you might even put a bumper sticker on the car.
Another concern is that your objects each only appear once: The gun, the billboard with the slogan, the bag of chips. A bumper sticker would preview the billboard and thus make those Big Voice slogans into a "horse" or theme.
This is really interesting i had to read this paragraph twice, and wondered why I didn't notice the vivid descriptions of the tragedy at first. It's a very good paragraph, so I was surprised I somehow cognitively passed over it.
Up all night wondering why a reader would emotionally engage with a character who fails to engage. In the Hempel story 'In the Cemetery...' the gorilla is the surrogate for the reader, expressing need and love. The gorilla makes us weep.
Then I think how Victorians ignored the poor on their streets, but wept over the death of Little Nell.
How about if Matt is openly weeping or otherwise expressing emotion over the audio book?
Are you okay with our exchange going public later this week? Thanks, chuck
That could be an interesting way to show another side of Matt, have him connect emotionally with the audiobook while he has dissociated from everything going on in reality.
I’m good with this going public! I appreciate your insights, this has been a very helpful exchange.
Apologies for the delay on my end. But I've been troubled by the ending of this piece. The energy seems so settled and doesn't compel me to turn the next page. My guess is that it's the "Love you" text that offers too much comfort.
What else could the text say that would explode the dread? Our man has expertly navigated a minefield of dangers to arrive at a potato chip factory. What could the text say that would drop the reader back into fear and action? What could you pick up from earlier in the piece and bring to the fore?
A text like "Did you leave a dead deer head at the front door?" Or, "Just so you know, I'd reloaded your gun." Find some earlier element and use it to escalate the tension. Or text... "I'm seven days late, today." Make the reader make the connection.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on the story.
My goal overall was to illustrate how everything becomes boring when it becomes common. The apocalypse might not be some catastrophic upending event. It could be a series of small events that evolves into a boring dystopia where everything is normalized and monetized until the last star goes out. I think about the people in the Ukraine and other war ravaged regions who are still trying to live their lives, those who still commute to work and worry about paying their bills while there are air strikes and artillery rounds going off in neighboring towns.
As bizarre and ridiculous as Matt’s day was to the reader, to him it was just another Tuesday. As long as he has his commute and arrives on time, everything is fine.
My fear is that this piece feels more like a sketch, and I'd like to see it do more. Again, the recorded book might be the key... perhaps it imposes a dramatic arc that seems silly when compared to the real danger of the character's life.
While Matt fails to react to actual events, the characters in the recorded book might be overreacting to the events in their "lives."
The recorded book could also reveal the emotional comfort or alter ego of Matt. Even in a world of chaos, the book might reveal who Matt idolizes or wishes to be.
I think it’s true that what’s missing is a bit of extreme emotion.
I live in a war zone, and it’s true I just want to run my routine, which has become a real challenge. But this desire is a defense mechanism. It keeps me occupied so that the fear and anger (mainly anger) buried underneath don’t erupt. So yes, it makes sense that the character really just wants to get to work and live his day and listen to his podcasts but his teeth are clenched the entire time and he can practically hear the pigment draining from his hair. It would make sense for him to completely blow a fuse at something random and small.
Agree. I felt myself wanting this carried through beyond where you left it. His sense of purpose in bringing chips of normalcy to the world. I expected you would take it further. He goes in and begins a series of work tasks, he escapes into them. The story ends as it begins.
"It’s one of the few irreconcilable differences in their marriage that he’s learned to accept."
"There were some supply issues following the collapse of global trade, but as supply chain manager, Matt found some creative workarounds thanks to the rollback of government oversight and regulations."
"Some days he’ll continue listening at his desk, but he prefers to listen in the car where he’s less distracted."
"...but with the current state of the world, showing a weapon is sometimes enough to de-escalate a potential road rage confrontation."
"Still, it’s better to be sure, and with the available time it made sense to do so."
All the above seem extraneous. They state/summarize overtly what you've just shown, so do you need them?
Also, during the conversation with the bandit, we lose all sense of time and urgency. Can that exchange give us a hint about the exploding tanker? Otherwise, there's time for dread to build. Like with the Audi, the disaster blips in and is gone. A little build-up around both the Audi and the tanker would create dread and relief.
Re: the interaction with the bandit, I had a line in an earlier draft where I mentioned that he budgeted time for this, but it ended up getting trimmed because he would have expected to run into Bob if he had planned for it. Having him watching the clock or something to bring us back to his artificial time crunch would be beneficial.
The exposition does get to be a bit much at times. I had just watched Life of Chuck, so I may have been reading this story in Nick Offerman’s voice in my head as I wrote it.
“—but he doesn’t go through Ludlow anymore. No one does.” This rang ominous in such a nice way. The impact of less info may be greater in this case. My suggestion is to cut the following line: “Might as well be a crater on the map.”
The heat from the burning Audi was a good physical detail. A way to push this further is to include smell. Matt’s windows were down and there’s a fun opportunity here. Matt works in potato chips, the way he describes the smell of the burning car and burning driver could be bbq-potato chip flavored. Or remind him of summer bbq before the societal collapse. You’ve got some options. Food next to death can be sickening and impactful on a reader. Matt is used to the violence, sees a burning person and thinks bbq potato chips, demonstrating his boredom and desensitization.
I loved when he casually pulled out the gun. Pondering Chuck’s notes, an idea option: the exploding tanker could cut off Matt’s car early on in the story, and Matt flashes his gun and the tanker flashes a bigger gun, then we forget the tanker until the end. And Matt’s wife texts, “I had loaded that gun.”
I liked the denial of violence at the end by talking about having an extra shirt in his desk after a bullet ruins his shirt.
Great story, thanks for the house party call house party!
Hello Chris, great story and a great premise! I love so many of the details. The barbed wire on his car, the heavy lock on the gate to his house. So many little visual guides to show that this is kind of our world, but not really. Our world but disintegrating. I know that your goal was to show how even a terrible environment becomes routine, and you just get on with it. I think that's a very interesting ground to explore. One sort of second-hand insight I have is my parents lived through WWII, in Russia, as did my uncle, who survived the siege of Leningrad, but lost all his teeth at 13 to starvation. In listening to them all talk about their childhoods, I did not take away that they normalized their lives. They certainly got on with their lives, but they were in a constant state of stress. The stress itself becomes a daily thing and they were able to absorb more and more of it without losing their minds, because there was no choice, but they did not think of it as a normal life and they looked forward to it ending.
With that in mind, I had a couple of thoughts about Matt and the way he experiences his life. One: the world is enough like our current world to make me wonder whether working from home is an option for him. And if it is, it would be interesting to show that he CHOOSES to do the drive and go into the office not because he normalizes the danger but because he likes it. Chuck mentioned that a hint as to Matt's emotions might be helpful, and I agree. I also think it might be very interesting to see his feelings about his home life compared to his work life. Some people love their jobs because they love doing the work, it's a vocation. Other people love getting away from home. Still others have an end game in mind--work until a certain age and retire/travel/etc.
Right now you do an excellent job of showing the shitshow of the world, but Matt is a little too opaque as a character within it right now.
Two: I don't really know if it's clear what riding down to Georgia means. Is Georgia a calmer place? Is it outside the horror zone? And if that was clarified and Matt did not want to go, then it's clear that he kind of relishes the danger. Also, you leave it up to Matt to make this decision. You don't show him thinking about his wife's opinion on going to Georgia and whatever that represents.
Three: I felt very thick, but I don't know what's in the chip packets. Bribe money? Chips? This line "Bob opens the lid but doesn’t bother counting. He knows it’s all there." obviously means bribe money. But then he keeps tossing more bags of chips around, and that made me doubt what was in the bags.
I think this is a really great story that can be truly effective with some few adjustments. Great job and good luck!
There's a lot to like about this, Chris. The ordinary blended with dystopian is an excellent recipe. The opening was jarring - in a good way - to start with such mundane details about the morning (dental hygiene, making breakfast, the alarm) only to be hit with "He takes a moment to adjust the barbed wire wrapped around the driver side mirror of his car." It gets the reader's attention immediately because it's such a departure from everything around it, and you smartly stick with that angle - normal, everyday things happening in conjunction with "it's all going to hell around us" events - right through to the end.
There are some opportunities to build/maintain tension. A few examples:
- "The factory is one of the few still operational in the area; even with the current state of the world, people want their snack chips." (you could drop "even with the current state of the world" and make "people still want their snack chips" a separate sentence.)
- "There were some supply issues following the collapse of global trade, but..." (you could drop "of global trade," just leaving the more threatening "following the collapse.")
- "There used to be eight, but he doesn’t go through Ludlow anymore. No one does. Might as well be a crater on the map." (you could drop "Might as well be a crater on the map" and let the reader imagine for themselves what Ludlow is like, and why everyone avoids it).
- "He’s been out of bullets since February, but with the current state of the world, showing a weapon is sometimes enough to de-escalate a potential road rage confrontation." (you could drop "with the current state of the world. I also might like if the semi-driver DIDN'T back off, because that again maintains tension. or even...is the semi-driver actually driving the tanker that blows up at the plant later in the story?? now THAT could be a fun little revision. Matt slows down after the encounter because he's ahead of pace. The truck driver, still riding his ass, blows past him angrily...he's got somewhere to be...but they cross paths again about 20 minutes later at the south delivery entrance.)
Can we get some bits and pieces of the audio book plugged in? It puts us in the front seat of the car with Matt - some on the body detail, in essence - while also breaking up the linear nature of the story. It could be a chorus of sorts and, depending on what sorts of things are said in the audio book, it could also reinforce what's happening around Matt. You might even consider Matt switching the book to his ear buds when he leaves the car, so we have the sort of narrative device of the audio book sticking with him as things go off the rails at the plant.
Chris, thank you for sharing this story with us. The juxtaposition of the world's horrors with the mundanity of a daily commute is so clever. You show the reader how things have changed in this future hellscape, before-after without having to actually say it in the narrative. More than once I found myself thinking of that meme with the dog sitting at his kitchen table going "this is fine" as everything burns around him. I loved what you said about your intentions behind this piece, that once things become familiar they become boring. It's like that old metaphor of a frog not jumping out of a pot of water that's being brought to a boil.
I read Matt's emotional state throughout the story as numb. I'm also thinking about how even as our minds adapt to stressors in order for us to function as usual, our bodies still hold that tension. I wonder somatically what Matt could be experiencing throughout this story, what physical tells his body could give that might give us more insight without Matt even consciously clocking it. When the tanker explodes, Matt rolls under his car. Wow. Talk about automatic response. He didn't even think about it. I wonder: What does it feel like in Matt's body when he's home versus when he's driving? What does driving feel like when he's listening to that audiobook vs not? When Matt opens his phone and sees his wife's name on the screen, how does his body react?
Maybe his shoulders tighten when he approaches the burning car. Maybe the smile on his face feels plastic as he's making small talk. Nothing too heavy, because it could be easily overdone, but just enough for there to be a conflict between the mental space Matt is in (or thinks he is in) and the automatic responses his body is having.
This story is quite a ride and I appreciate the opportunity to take it in! Thanks again for sharing it with us!
Cheers,
Heidi
PS - Disco Insomnium wouldn't happen to be a reference to Disco Elysium, would it? :)
Something brilliant about this piece is how you’ve paced the writing to match the narrator’s movement and corresponding thoughts. This technique hardwires the reader into the character's POV. It's between a monologuing assassin and "A Day in the Life" by the Beatles. While he approaches the factory, the effect does wear off a little. If he’s late, the pace could become more frenetic to ratchet up the tension.
As it is throughout, but especially here, the music in your prose is exceptional:
“When the bypass reconnects to the southbound interstate, the lanes on the northbound side lurch forward in a lethargic crawl, stretching over the cut in the hill beyond his sightline”
Might want to move “Matt” away from the mask description here. It’s the only place I paused for a moment, thinking Matt had the mask on.
“Even with the evil clown Halloween mask obscuring the top of his face, Matt recognizes the shirtless psycho terrorizing the exit lane.”
Comment #6 --
A good tactic is to have a lessor character acknowledge the main character's emotions. It avoids making the main character too self aware, and it surprises both the reader and the main character.
My favorite example comes from Thom Jones's 'The Pugilist at Rest': A teenage boy awakes to his bullying stepfather. The son finally pummels the bully, then runs off to school. At the school he meets his girlfriend who looks at him aghast and asks, "Rory, why are you wearing pajama bottoms!? Why are you covered in blood?! Why are you CRYING??"
I've fudged the quote because I don't have the book at hand. But the trick is to have a detached character recognize the emotions that the main character is still blind -- traumatized -- to. It's a neat trick that takes the reader's breath away.
Hello Chris --
Let's get started with Comment #1
The story is clear and linear, and at no time did I feel confused. You kept the actions going and kept the mood consistent: Just another day in chaos. The "Love" text on the end was a nice button.
That said, I wanted a hint at the character's emotions, and wonder if that might come via the recorded book. Whatever he's listening to, it can show us something secret about how he copes. For instance, if he's listening to Charles Dickens he might be sentimental and escapist. But if he's listening to a dystopian novel even MORE dystopian than his own world... that could land as funny.
It's comforting to witness suffering greater than your own. So if he's listening to Kafka or some other dire story, it puts his ordeal into perspective.
This is just two options. But instead of some banal police procedural, what other book would show us the narrator's emotional, inner life??? Who knows? The audio book might develop to become the larger overall book, while and narrator fades into the background.
Keep in mind, this is a clever trick: Reading a book within a book. The masterstroke of the TV show The Waltons was how that family was shown listening raptly to their radio, just as other families were watching raptly around their televisions watching the Walton family.
Portals within portals.
Hi Chuck,
Thanks again for reading and giving feedback on the story!
I like the idea of switching up the audiobook as a fun way to get a look inside his head to see how he was really coping with the reality of the world behind his “this is fine” front. We don’t really get that side of him, only a small glimpse of him imagining himself on the motorcycle with his wife. The police procedural hits the same beat of how he has banalized the apocalypse, it would be fun to explore that more.
Your choice of a book title will be fun and telling. Or maybe he shuffles a few juxtaposed genres, to get his fix of distracted stimulation
Hi Chris! I really, really enjoyed the time urgency of your story--the MC's Type A need to have control is spot on. The pace of it, the mundanity, peppered in with the bizarre happenings (like the Halloween mask) pulled the read along nicely. What might happen if your MC lost this incredibly important part of his life--control of his routine? Would it derail him in some catastrophic way? Would he go batshit? I wonder if you might hint at the stakes of this even more, as he is constantly re-routed, and the tension builds. I love the audiobook aspect, and wanted to hear some lines of the audio-narrator interspersed along the ride. That kind of recorded dialogue might be a nice contrast to what's going on around him, as well as serve to ease into the real dialogue between Matt and Bob (the casual tone between the two was brilliant). I really liked the descriptive, "the cracked vinyl faces of three teens," and the fact that he works at a chips factory. Subtle, and super effective. Great read, thanks for sharing! :)
Comment #2 --
This is the only place I stumbled in the moment-by-moment:
"At the stoplight, the heat from the tan Audi burning on the side of the road radiates through his windshield. A blackened silhouette slumps in the Audi’s driver’s seat, unmoving. Matt rolls up the windows and sets the air ..."
Because you used the definite article -- the tan Audi -- I assumed we'd already glimpsed this from a distance. If we could have a more gradual reveal evolving from a plume of smoke, to a car, to an Audi, to the horror within. By that point you might even put a bumper sticker on the car.
Another concern is that your objects each only appear once: The gun, the billboard with the slogan, the bag of chips. A bumper sticker would preview the billboard and thus make those Big Voice slogans into a "horse" or theme.
This is really interesting i had to read this paragraph twice, and wondered why I didn't notice the vivid descriptions of the tragedy at first. It's a very good paragraph, so I was surprised I somehow cognitively passed over it.
Comment #5 --
Up all night wondering why a reader would emotionally engage with a character who fails to engage. In the Hempel story 'In the Cemetery...' the gorilla is the surrogate for the reader, expressing need and love. The gorilla makes us weep.
Then I think how Victorians ignored the poor on their streets, but wept over the death of Little Nell.
How about if Matt is openly weeping or otherwise expressing emotion over the audio book?
Are you okay with our exchange going public later this week? Thanks, chuck
That could be an interesting way to show another side of Matt, have him connect emotionally with the audiobook while he has dissociated from everything going on in reality.
I’m good with this going public! I appreciate your insights, this has been a very helpful exchange.
Comment #4 --
Apologies for the delay on my end. But I've been troubled by the ending of this piece. The energy seems so settled and doesn't compel me to turn the next page. My guess is that it's the "Love you" text that offers too much comfort.
What else could the text say that would explode the dread? Our man has expertly navigated a minefield of dangers to arrive at a potato chip factory. What could the text say that would drop the reader back into fear and action? What could you pick up from earlier in the piece and bring to the fore?
A text like "Did you leave a dead deer head at the front door?" Or, "Just so you know, I'd reloaded your gun." Find some earlier element and use it to escalate the tension. Or text... "I'm seven days late, today." Make the reader make the connection.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on the story.
My goal overall was to illustrate how everything becomes boring when it becomes common. The apocalypse might not be some catastrophic upending event. It could be a series of small events that evolves into a boring dystopia where everything is normalized and monetized until the last star goes out. I think about the people in the Ukraine and other war ravaged regions who are still trying to live their lives, those who still commute to work and worry about paying their bills while there are air strikes and artillery rounds going off in neighboring towns.
As bizarre and ridiculous as Matt’s day was to the reader, to him it was just another Tuesday. As long as he has his commute and arrives on time, everything is fine.
I can appreciate that, but I'll still ask for an epiphany or revelation of some kind. Something has to change during the course of this mundane day.
My fear is that this piece feels more like a sketch, and I'd like to see it do more. Again, the recorded book might be the key... perhaps it imposes a dramatic arc that seems silly when compared to the real danger of the character's life.
While Matt fails to react to actual events, the characters in the recorded book might be overreacting to the events in their "lives."
The recorded book could also reveal the emotional comfort or alter ego of Matt. Even in a world of chaos, the book might reveal who Matt idolizes or wishes to be.
I like that, as it is now it is an example of another routine in Matt's life, but it could provide some character layering.
I think it’s true that what’s missing is a bit of extreme emotion.
I live in a war zone, and it’s true I just want to run my routine, which has become a real challenge. But this desire is a defense mechanism. It keeps me occupied so that the fear and anger (mainly anger) buried underneath don’t erupt. So yes, it makes sense that the character really just wants to get to work and live his day and listen to his podcasts but his teeth are clenched the entire time and he can practically hear the pigment draining from his hair. It would make sense for him to completely blow a fuse at something random and small.
Having him blow up over something small is a great idea, thank you for the suggestion.
Agree. I felt myself wanting this carried through beyond where you left it. His sense of purpose in bringing chips of normalcy to the world. I expected you would take it further. He goes in and begins a series of work tasks, he escapes into them. The story ends as it begins.
Comment #3 --
Please consider the following:
"It’s one of the few irreconcilable differences in their marriage that he’s learned to accept."
"There were some supply issues following the collapse of global trade, but as supply chain manager, Matt found some creative workarounds thanks to the rollback of government oversight and regulations."
"Some days he’ll continue listening at his desk, but he prefers to listen in the car where he’s less distracted."
"...but with the current state of the world, showing a weapon is sometimes enough to de-escalate a potential road rage confrontation."
"Still, it’s better to be sure, and with the available time it made sense to do so."
All the above seem extraneous. They state/summarize overtly what you've just shown, so do you need them?
Also, during the conversation with the bandit, we lose all sense of time and urgency. Can that exchange give us a hint about the exploding tanker? Otherwise, there's time for dread to build. Like with the Audi, the disaster blips in and is gone. A little build-up around both the Audi and the tanker would create dread and relief.
Re: the interaction with the bandit, I had a line in an earlier draft where I mentioned that he budgeted time for this, but it ended up getting trimmed because he would have expected to run into Bob if he had planned for it. Having him watching the clock or something to bring us back to his artificial time crunch would be beneficial.
The exposition does get to be a bit much at times. I had just watched Life of Chuck, so I may have been reading this story in Nick Offerman’s voice in my head as I wrote it.
I like the rollbacks in govt oversight and regulations, feels like a clue to maybe why shit happening, like he's catching the whoops.
Hello Chris --
Would you be amenable to a House Call this week? Yours is a great story, or I wouldn't bother. Wanna toss the ball around? Thanks, chuck
Thank you so much, I would love to do a House Call! I appreciate the kind words, looking forward to it!
Hello Chris --
Great! Please give me a couple days to read and reread. Thanks.
"If you can read this, you’re still alive." Indeed.
Loved the mix between high octane and mundane in this one!
Howdy Chris,
“—but he doesn’t go through Ludlow anymore. No one does.” This rang ominous in such a nice way. The impact of less info may be greater in this case. My suggestion is to cut the following line: “Might as well be a crater on the map.”
The heat from the burning Audi was a good physical detail. A way to push this further is to include smell. Matt’s windows were down and there’s a fun opportunity here. Matt works in potato chips, the way he describes the smell of the burning car and burning driver could be bbq-potato chip flavored. Or remind him of summer bbq before the societal collapse. You’ve got some options. Food next to death can be sickening and impactful on a reader. Matt is used to the violence, sees a burning person and thinks bbq potato chips, demonstrating his boredom and desensitization.
I loved when he casually pulled out the gun. Pondering Chuck’s notes, an idea option: the exploding tanker could cut off Matt’s car early on in the story, and Matt flashes his gun and the tanker flashes a bigger gun, then we forget the tanker until the end. And Matt’s wife texts, “I had loaded that gun.”
I liked the denial of violence at the end by talking about having an extra shirt in his desk after a bullet ruins his shirt.
Great story, thanks for the house party call house party!
Hi Oliver, thank you for reading. I love the idea about the burning car making him think of bbq chips, I could do something more there.
Hello Chris, great story and a great premise! I love so many of the details. The barbed wire on his car, the heavy lock on the gate to his house. So many little visual guides to show that this is kind of our world, but not really. Our world but disintegrating. I know that your goal was to show how even a terrible environment becomes routine, and you just get on with it. I think that's a very interesting ground to explore. One sort of second-hand insight I have is my parents lived through WWII, in Russia, as did my uncle, who survived the siege of Leningrad, but lost all his teeth at 13 to starvation. In listening to them all talk about their childhoods, I did not take away that they normalized their lives. They certainly got on with their lives, but they were in a constant state of stress. The stress itself becomes a daily thing and they were able to absorb more and more of it without losing their minds, because there was no choice, but they did not think of it as a normal life and they looked forward to it ending.
With that in mind, I had a couple of thoughts about Matt and the way he experiences his life. One: the world is enough like our current world to make me wonder whether working from home is an option for him. And if it is, it would be interesting to show that he CHOOSES to do the drive and go into the office not because he normalizes the danger but because he likes it. Chuck mentioned that a hint as to Matt's emotions might be helpful, and I agree. I also think it might be very interesting to see his feelings about his home life compared to his work life. Some people love their jobs because they love doing the work, it's a vocation. Other people love getting away from home. Still others have an end game in mind--work until a certain age and retire/travel/etc.
Right now you do an excellent job of showing the shitshow of the world, but Matt is a little too opaque as a character within it right now.
Two: I don't really know if it's clear what riding down to Georgia means. Is Georgia a calmer place? Is it outside the horror zone? And if that was clarified and Matt did not want to go, then it's clear that he kind of relishes the danger. Also, you leave it up to Matt to make this decision. You don't show him thinking about his wife's opinion on going to Georgia and whatever that represents.
Three: I felt very thick, but I don't know what's in the chip packets. Bribe money? Chips? This line "Bob opens the lid but doesn’t bother counting. He knows it’s all there." obviously means bribe money. But then he keeps tossing more bags of chips around, and that made me doubt what was in the bags.
I think this is a really great story that can be truly effective with some few adjustments. Great job and good luck!
There's a lot to like about this, Chris. The ordinary blended with dystopian is an excellent recipe. The opening was jarring - in a good way - to start with such mundane details about the morning (dental hygiene, making breakfast, the alarm) only to be hit with "He takes a moment to adjust the barbed wire wrapped around the driver side mirror of his car." It gets the reader's attention immediately because it's such a departure from everything around it, and you smartly stick with that angle - normal, everyday things happening in conjunction with "it's all going to hell around us" events - right through to the end.
There are some opportunities to build/maintain tension. A few examples:
- "The factory is one of the few still operational in the area; even with the current state of the world, people want their snack chips." (you could drop "even with the current state of the world" and make "people still want their snack chips" a separate sentence.)
- "There were some supply issues following the collapse of global trade, but..." (you could drop "of global trade," just leaving the more threatening "following the collapse.")
- "There used to be eight, but he doesn’t go through Ludlow anymore. No one does. Might as well be a crater on the map." (you could drop "Might as well be a crater on the map" and let the reader imagine for themselves what Ludlow is like, and why everyone avoids it).
- "He’s been out of bullets since February, but with the current state of the world, showing a weapon is sometimes enough to de-escalate a potential road rage confrontation." (you could drop "with the current state of the world. I also might like if the semi-driver DIDN'T back off, because that again maintains tension. or even...is the semi-driver actually driving the tanker that blows up at the plant later in the story?? now THAT could be a fun little revision. Matt slows down after the encounter because he's ahead of pace. The truck driver, still riding his ass, blows past him angrily...he's got somewhere to be...but they cross paths again about 20 minutes later at the south delivery entrance.)
Can we get some bits and pieces of the audio book plugged in? It puts us in the front seat of the car with Matt - some on the body detail, in essence - while also breaking up the linear nature of the story. It could be a chorus of sorts and, depending on what sorts of things are said in the audio book, it could also reinforce what's happening around Matt. You might even consider Matt switching the book to his ear buds when he leaves the car, so we have the sort of narrative device of the audio book sticking with him as things go off the rails at the plant.
Beautiful
Chris, thank you for sharing this story with us. The juxtaposition of the world's horrors with the mundanity of a daily commute is so clever. You show the reader how things have changed in this future hellscape, before-after without having to actually say it in the narrative. More than once I found myself thinking of that meme with the dog sitting at his kitchen table going "this is fine" as everything burns around him. I loved what you said about your intentions behind this piece, that once things become familiar they become boring. It's like that old metaphor of a frog not jumping out of a pot of water that's being brought to a boil.
I read Matt's emotional state throughout the story as numb. I'm also thinking about how even as our minds adapt to stressors in order for us to function as usual, our bodies still hold that tension. I wonder somatically what Matt could be experiencing throughout this story, what physical tells his body could give that might give us more insight without Matt even consciously clocking it. When the tanker explodes, Matt rolls under his car. Wow. Talk about automatic response. He didn't even think about it. I wonder: What does it feel like in Matt's body when he's home versus when he's driving? What does driving feel like when he's listening to that audiobook vs not? When Matt opens his phone and sees his wife's name on the screen, how does his body react?
Maybe his shoulders tighten when he approaches the burning car. Maybe the smile on his face feels plastic as he's making small talk. Nothing too heavy, because it could be easily overdone, but just enough for there to be a conflict between the mental space Matt is in (or thinks he is in) and the automatic responses his body is having.
This story is quite a ride and I appreciate the opportunity to take it in! Thanks again for sharing it with us!
Cheers,
Heidi
PS - Disco Insomnium wouldn't happen to be a reference to Disco Elysium, would it? :)
Hi thanks for the read!
And yes it is a nod to Disco Elysium. Love the game, plus it’s latin so there’s a fun double meaning at work.
Something brilliant about this piece is how you’ve paced the writing to match the narrator’s movement and corresponding thoughts. This technique hardwires the reader into the character's POV. It's between a monologuing assassin and "A Day in the Life" by the Beatles. While he approaches the factory, the effect does wear off a little. If he’s late, the pace could become more frenetic to ratchet up the tension.
As it is throughout, but especially here, the music in your prose is exceptional:
“When the bypass reconnects to the southbound interstate, the lanes on the northbound side lurch forward in a lethargic crawl, stretching over the cut in the hill beyond his sightline”
Might want to move “Matt” away from the mask description here. It’s the only place I paused for a moment, thinking Matt had the mask on.
“Even with the evil clown Halloween mask obscuring the top of his face, Matt recognizes the shirtless psycho terrorizing the exit lane.”
“More messes but less mopping.” This is great
Thanks for sharing your work!
-Jeffrey